Sex, Desire and Getting Older – Is There an Age Limit on Pleasure?

What the film Book Club raises about ageing, sexuality and the assumptions we make about older people.

I recently watched Book Club (2018), a comedy starring Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen. The story follows four long-standing friends whose decision to read Fifty Shades of Grey prompts some interesting developments in their relationships and sex lives.

I struggle to recommend the film on its own merits. It's a fairly predictable romantic comedy, with some rather contrived situations and humour that doesn't always work. But it does raise some interesting questions about sex, desire and ageing, subjects I've thought about quite a lot, both personally and through my work.

Why do we still find the idea of older people enjoying sex slightly surprising?

After all, there's no particular age at which we suddenly stop wanting intimacy, affection, excitement or sexual pleasure. Yet society often seems to behave as though there is.

When Are We Supposed to Stop Having Sex?

We tend to associate sex and sexual attractiveness with youth, particularly when it comes to women.

Films, advertising and social media constantly reinforce the idea that being desirable means being young, slim, attractive and preferably free of wrinkles.

Men aren't entirely immune to this, of course, but there's certainly a double standard. An older man dating a younger woman is often regarded as perfectly normal, while an older woman expressing an interest in sex, particularly with a younger man, can still attract raised eyebrows.

And the idea of people in their seventies or eighties having active sex lives? For some reason, that seems to make people uncomfortable.

I'm not entirely sure why.

We don't expect people to stop enjoying good food, music, travel or friendship simply because they're getting older. Why should sexual pleasure be any different?

Of course, our bodies change as we age, and so can our sexual interests and abilities. But that doesn't mean desire simply disappears.

Does Sex Actually Get Better With Age?

There's a common assumption that our best sex happens when we're young.

Physically, there may be some advantages to youth, but good sex involves rather more than physical performance.

Confidence, communication, experience, trust and understanding what we enjoy all play a part.

When we're younger, sex can be accompanied by an enormous amount of insecurity. Are we attractive enough? Are we doing it right? What does the other person think of our body? Are we supposed to enjoy something because everyone else apparently does?

Age doesn't automatically remove those concerns, but experience can change our perspective.

Through my work, I've met women who say they're considerably more comfortable with their sexuality in their fifties and sixties than they ever were in their twenties.

They're often more willing to say what they enjoy, what they don't enjoy, and what they're curious about.

Some have discovered interests they never previously considered. Others have simply become less concerned about meeting someone else's expectations.

That's not to suggest everyone becomes more sexually confident with age. Some people struggle with changes to their bodies, relationships or health, and others experience a decline in desire.

But the idea that sex inevitably becomes less enjoyable as we get older is far too simplistic.

Sometimes experience, confidence and knowing yourself are rather more valuable than youthful enthusiasm.

The Difference Between Being Attractive and Feeling Desirable

One subject that comes up quite often in conversations with clients is the difference between looking attractive and feeling attractive.

They're not necessarily the same thing.

Someone can be conventionally attractive yet feel deeply uncomfortable with their body. Equally, someone who doesn't fit society's narrow ideas of physical beauty can be wonderfully confident and comfortable with their sexuality.

For women in particular, ageing can bring changes that challenge how they've always seen themselves.

Wrinkles, weight changes, menopause, changes to breasts and skin, and the general realities of getting older can all affect body confidence.

But there's another side to this.

I've met women who feel more attractive in their sixties than they did in their thirties, not necessarily because they think they look better, but because they've stopped being quite so critical of themselves.

They've learned that being desirable isn't simply about having a particular body. I've explored this idea further in Feminine Allure, particularly the difference between conventional beauty and the qualities that make someone genuinely attractive.

And perhaps they've also realised that the people worth being intimate with are unlikely to be examining every wrinkle or stretch mark.

What Happens When Sex Disappears From a Relationship?

Another aspect of ageing that doesn't get discussed enough is what happens when intimacy gradually disappears from a long-term relationship.

It's not unusual for couples who've been together for decades to find that their sex lives have changed considerably.

Sometimes it's because of health issues, menopause, erectile difficulties or changes in libido. Sometimes it's stress, tiredness or the demands of family life.

And sometimes two people simply develop different interests in sex.

One partner may still want regular physical intimacy while the other has little or no interest.

That can be difficult for both people.

The person who wants sex may feel rejected, unattractive or lonely. The person who doesn't may feel guilty, pressured or frustrated by the expectation that they should want something they no longer enjoy.

Neither is necessarily doing anything wrong.

I think we sometimes underestimate just how important physical affection can be, even when it doesn't involve sex.

Being touched, held, kissed or cuddled can be a significant part of feeling connected to another person.

And when that disappears, people can miss far more than sexual intercourse itself.

There aren't always easy answers, but being able to talk honestly about it is surely better than years of silence, resentment or pretending everything is fine.

Sex, Menopause and Changing Bodies

For women, menopause can have a significant effect on sexuality, although experiences vary enormously.

Hormonal changes can affect libido, vaginal lubrication, sensitivity, comfort and arousal. For some women, sex becomes more difficult or less appealing.

For others, the changes are relatively minor, and some find their sexual confidence or enjoyment actually improves.

There's also the psychological side.

For someone who has spent much of their adult life associating sex with the possibility of pregnancy, no longer having that concern can be liberating.

Others may find that changing bodies, sleep problems, mood changes or relationship difficulties affect how they feel about intimacy.

The important thing is recognising that there's no universal experience.

And where physical changes make sex uncomfortable or painful, there are often treatments and approaches that can help. It's not something people simply have to accept as an inevitable consequence of getting older.

Men experience changes too, of course. Erections may become less predictable, arousal may take longer, and health or medication can affect sexual function.

But perhaps one of the benefits of ageing is the opportunity to move away from the idea that sex has to follow a particular script.

Good sex doesn't have to mean penetration, and pleasure doesn't have to depend on an erection or orgasm.

Touch, kissing, massage, oral sex and other forms of intimacy can all be enjoyable in their own right.

That seems a rather more useful approach than measuring our sex lives against what we could do when we were twenty-five.

Is It Ever Too Late to Explore Something New?

One of the more entertaining aspects of Book Club is the way a rather unlikely choice of reading material encourages four women to reconsider what they want from their relationships.

Of course, reading Fifty Shades of Grey doesn't automatically turn someone into an adventurous sexual explorer, but the underlying idea is interesting.

Why should curiosity have an age limit?

I've met women who have explored new aspects of their sexuality for the first time in their fifties, sixties and beyond.

Sometimes that's because they're newly single. Sometimes they're in long-standing relationships and want to try something different. And sometimes they've simply reached a point in life where they feel more comfortable acknowledging what interests them.

That might mean trying sensual massage, exploring fantasies, experimenting with different forms of touch or simply becoming more open about what they enjoy. For some women, that curiosity leads them to consider sensual massage, sometimes for the first time. Choosing the right practitioner, and understanding what to expect, can make an enormous difference.

It doesn't necessarily mean wanting anything particularly adventurous.

For someone who has spent years putting other people's needs first, even acknowledging their own desires can be a significant change.

But equally, I don't think we should replace one set of expectations with another.

There's no obligation to become more